Asking the Hard Question Why: Stopping Negative Self-Talk in its Tracks
My New Year’s resolution took a big change this year. Last year’s was all about the weight. Lose the weight, get in shape, get out of plus size clothing… it didn’t happen. 2020. May I say more.
This year, it started with “be positive”. It just felt…incomplete. I tried being positive last year. Every time an event I was looking forward to all year was canceled, I would try to be positive. It’s fine! I’m fine! Fine, fine, fine! Everything’s fine! *eye twitching intensifies* I ended up being suicidal because everything had been canceled and I had completely lost hope. CLEARLY, that didn’t work for me.
Ok, “be positive” morphed to “be more intentional with my thoughts.” Later I added that I want to “speak words of life, encouragement & success”. I think it’s a good resolution.
I started chanting “This is Simple. This is Easy. This is Fun!” by Kerwin Rae and “I am not in control and that’s okay” from Peter Crone in an attempt to stop stress and frustration from overwhelming me. It does help. Try it.
One day, I came across a free seminar on “changing your way of thinking of weight loss” from, Corrine Crabtree. Honestly, the seminar wasn’t that good. It was full of antidotes and catch phrases and “if I can do it, you can do it”, “just change your thinking!”. It was nothing I hadn’t heard before, just fluff and not a lot of substance.
One tool that was mentioned in a rush & at the very end of the seminar was the “5 why’s”. Honestly, the seminar didn’t even explain that thoroughly. I walked away feeling…confused. I tried to apply what the seminarian had “taught” but obviously didn’t feel successful.
After the seminar was over, I’d left my notes out on the table where my husband saw the “5 why’s” and mentioned that he was introduced to it at work many moons ago and would be happy to explain it better to me! “Yes! Teach me your ways, O Sage One!”, I exclaimed, or something like that. I can’t remember the exact words I used.
We began walking through the “5 Why’s” which is pretty simple. Start with your why question, then answer it. Then turn that answer into a why question, then answer that one, and so on and so on.
Mine was “Why do you want to lose weight?”
Because I want to be healthier.
Why do you want to be healthier?
Uhhhhhhhhh because I’m unhealthy right now.
Why are you unhealthy right now?
Because I need to lose weight.
… I’m right back where I started!
I couldn’t get out of the loop.
One small tweak from my wise, handsome husband opened up a world of insight.
New question: “Why can’t I lose weight?”
Because I am a failure.
Why am I a failure?
Because I’m not eating healthy and exercising.
Why am I not eating healthy and exercising?
Because I don’t have time.
Why don’t I have time?
Because…CHILDREN!!!
From here, we unlocked that I am not a failure, I need help with time management. What are some tools that would make time management easier for me and the family?
I need to set aside blocks of time for important daily tasks (school time, exercise time, mama time, nap time, chores time, clean up time). They don’t have to be in that order every day. I also need time to do weekly tasks such as lesson planning, meal planning, & food prepping for the next week.
Plan to Succeed!!!
From there, I added to our “master list” of food meal ideas and added lots more veggie options; we need to eat more veggies. I made a point to add veggies to each meal when meal planning. I keep a weekly meal plan on the fridge so I’m not scrounging around for ideas as well as to lessen the temptation to eat out.
I made a chart that has daily tasks as blocks of time. I drew cute little pictures for each item so I could be reminded of what needs to be done that day and put it up where I walk by it several times a day. It really has been a very big helper in reminding me of what’s important and motivating me to complete them.
I was able to make adjustments to tools I already used and add new tools to my arsenal to help me be more successful! Bam!
The best part? I no longer call myself “Failure”. For years and years and years, I have called myself “Failure”. I am a failure. I will never lose this weight and keep it off. I will always fail because that’s what I do and who I am.
Doing this simple exercise unlocked the power of that term for me. Now when I have the thought of “I’m a failure”, I have tools that can counteract that. Here’s the thing, I was never Failure to begin with. I just blindly agreed.
Failing (an event) does not equal failure (identity).
We’re going to fail, we’re going to mess up. We’re going to stumble. Some time you’re going to be tired, mad, and/or stressed and say or do or eat or drink something you shouldn’t. How do you recover from that? It’s how you work through that moment is what matters. If you wallow in it and give up, is that going to help you to grow, to make changes to yourself or thinking? Probably not. What has beating yourself up ever accomplished? It has kept you in the same rut for too long.
If you can objectively, logically, look at the situation, see what when wrong, learn from it, make amends, and move on, that’s how we keep learning and growing. If the situation arises again, you’ll know how to navigate it in a different manner. You’ll have learned from the past mistake not to do that again. That’s pretty powerful.
When that negative self talk creeps up, what do you do? You can agree. “Yes, I am a cotton-headed ninny muggins.” You can tell that negative self talk to shut up. There’s also a third option. Ask yourself “why am I thinking that?” Explore what’s behind the thought and work through it using the 5 why’s. Why am I a cotton-headed ninny muggins? Because…
Eventually, you’ll get to the point where your answers will give you insight into where that thought came from. You will be able to unwrap the emotions behind the thought.
The more you engage in asking yourself why?”, it helps take your brain off autopilot. It shuts down you automatically agreeing with the negative thought. This is really important to retrain your brain into thinking differently. There’s a new sheriff in town and it’s you not your brain.
Your brain is simply trying to protect you by using past events to predict the future. It will try to hold you back so that you won’t participate in reckless behavior that could result in injury and pain. This can be beneficial. However, in my case, I was totally on auto pilot, not willing to take any risks for fear of failing because that would only reinforce what I already thought of myself: I am Failure. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle, a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Asking questions can stop the reinforcement of negative thinking.
You’re creating new pathways in the brain. You’re teaching it that the old way of thinking doesn’t work anymore. You’ve outgrown that way of thinking. It’s like a too small itchy sweater. It no longer fits. It’s time for something different. I once might have identified as “Failure” but that doesn’t fit me anymore. I will no longer associate with that because it’s simply not true. If I fail, if I mess up, if I get something wrong, I am still not Failure.
Whatever word you have labeled yourself, it’s okay to release it. It’s okay to outgrow it. It’s okay to say, “I no longer wish to be this.” The Bible says, “Be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” Romans 12:2. Sometimes we get stuck. Asking the question “why” is a way to engage our brain and really delve into why we think the things we do. I guess that seminar wasn’t a total waste afterall. Sometimes good things can come from unlikely places. Good things can come from you, too.
You are loved. You are growing. You are changing.
Thanks for taking this journey with me.
Update: I mentioned a seminar that I had partaken in that led me down a path that the previously unnamed author, Corrine Crabtree, probably didn’t intend but the path was so incredibly freeing nonetheless. I have since learned, through listening to her podcast and completing her FREE course, which I highly recomend!, that what she meant by the 5 why’s is 5 reasons why you want to lose weight: be healthier, smaller pant size… I just wanted to clarify that point.
It’s funny going back and reading this post concerning how negative I felt about that particular seminar knowing how much of her information I have since devoured in an attempt to become healthier. Maybe it wasn’t a good presentation, we all have off days. Maybe I wasn’t in a good mindset that was ready to hear what she had to say. In any case, I highly recommend her free course found on her website. I think that she does a much better job breaking down the information since she has more time to do so.